Above: Artist’s depiction of one of DC United’s assets.

Forbes’ Chris Smith published an article yesterday with estimated valuations for all 19 MLS teams. But how were these estimates calculated? An anonymous source handed us an internal league balance sheet used to calculate the team values. After verifying that they seemed reasonable enough, we are choosing to publish them to our devoted readership.

Seattle Sounders

Assets:

  • Patent rights from inventing soccer (+$193M)
  • Dividends from Price Is Right “Losing Horns” ringtone sales (+$15M)
  • Tanzania and DQ in-game marketing agreements (+$6M)
  • 2,000,000 Steve Zakuani debut CDs (+$50,000)

Liabilities:

  • Pyro budget (-$30M)
  • Fuel tariffs on yacht refueling station (-$21M)
  • Cost of Dempsey signing-related media smokescreen (-$10M)
  • Extended vision coverage for team staff during games where third kit is worn (-$5M)
  • All-you-can-eat scarf buffet costs for Sigi Schmid (-$3M)

Net Value: $175M

LA Galaxy

Assets:

  • Rights to Robbie Rogers (+$MAGEE)
  • StubHub “convenience fees” (+$37M)
  • Government subsidy for keeping Bruce Arena from shouting at general public (+$8M)

Liabilities:

  • Insurance for Robbie Keane goal celebrations (-$2M)
  • Carlo Cudicini (-$15M)
  • Secret payment made to mayor of small Cambodian town (-$5M)
  • Research funds to figure out exactly what their mascot even is (-$8M)

Net Value: $170M

Portland Timbers

Assets:

  • Pity-Free Certification from US Department of Fools (+$90M)
  • Scarf Makers Association of America kickbacks (+$40M)
  • Feral cat community under JELD-WEN (+$5M)
  • Majority ownership of chocolate-covered bacon baking company (+$34M)

Liabilities:

  • Defence fund against poorly written articles libeling Timbers Army (-$10M)
  • Mental health clinic to treat inferiority complexes relating to Seattle (-$15M)
  • Chainsaw insurance/maintenance/disposal fees for wood slabs (-$3M)

Net Value: $141M

Houston Dynamo

Assets:

  • Residuals from Dom Kinnear’s appearance as Dr. Robert Doback in sleeper comedy hit Stepbrothers (+$58M)
  • Stadium rent from Texas Southern University (+$32M)
  • Taco Bell “BONG” sound effect sponsorship for in-stadium announcements (+$9M)
  • Write-down of empty orange seats at BBVA (+$16M)
  • Grounds crew staff savings from tiny field (+$12M)
  • Allocation money for repeated CCL qualification (+$25M)

Liabilities:

  • Extra game-day security for misbehaving supporters groups (-$12M)
  • Research lab funding to determine whether physical matter can actually be forever orange. (-$15M)

Net Value: $125M

Toronto FC

Assets:

  • 100-person capacity locker room for as-yet unsigned DPs (+$2M)
  • Seven years of Allocation Funds for not qualifying for playoffs (+$200M)
  • Promises from ownership (+$0M)
  • Savings on stadium light usage (+$1M)

Liabilities:

  • Geographic association with Rob Ford (-$37M)
  • Severance packages for previous coaches (-$30M)
  • Settlement with Merriam-Webster for abuse of the phrase ”major announcement” (-$15M)

Net Value: $121M

New York Red Bulls

Assets:

  • Archive tapes of Thierry Henry’s sarcastic applause (+$12M)
  • Fernando Ruiz (+$30M)
  • Mike Petke sweater vest fashion line (+22M)
  • Tuition fees from Jonny Steele’s dance school (+$6M)
  • Savings from lack of snow removal equipment (+$40M)
  • Capital surplus from Thierry Henry never having a go (+$8M)
  • Sports cliché swear jar (+$5M)
  • “That’s So Metro” trademark fee (+$1M)

Liabilities:

  • Staff to apologize continuously for Rafa Marquez and Chris Heck (-$5M)
  • Partnership fee w/the American Lung Association, “Know Your Harrison Air” campaign (-$3M)
  • Wall repair charges relating to Tim Cahill running through them (-$6M)
  • Trophy Case construction (-$2M)

Net Value: $114M

Sporting Kansas City

Assets:

  • Discovery rights to argyle kits (+$50M)
  • Trademark for “Sporting Fit” (+$15M)
  • Leftover unused props for Kei Kamara goal celebrations (+$60M)

Liabilities:

  • Messaging campaign: “Lance Armstrong? Who’s that?” (-$10M)
  • Feasibility surveys for blue pitch (-$5M)
  • Treatment program for fans suffering from severe fog/smoke inhalation (-$2M)

Net Value: $108M

Chicago Fire

Assets:

  • Celebrity impersonation appearances fees for Bradley Cooper (+$40M)
  • Printing savings from single-word supporters’ songbook (+$35M)
  • Leftover press member bobbleheads (+$45M)
  • Association with Wilford Brimley via Quaker (+$250)

Liabilities:

  • Physical therapy for Mike Magee’s back after carrying the team (-$3M)
  • Wayfinding materials for getting fans to/from Toyota Park (-$10M)
  • Monitoring software to prevent Dan Lobring’s next “editorial” (-$5M)

Net Value: $102M

FC Dallas

Assets:

  • Collection of Butter Leather jackets (+$53M)
  • Seed funding for Steven Keel’s viral video career (+$59M)
  • Credibility gained by using “FC” with six local area eurosnobs ($35)

Liabilities:

  • Uneaten Pizza Hut Pizzas (-$5M)
  • Massive net behind goal to screen players from flying beer cans (-$10M)

Net Value: $97M

Montreal Impact

Assets:

  • 80% stake in Joey Saputo School Of Business Micromanagement (+$67M)
  • Italian soccer superstars (+$35M)
  • Translation system to dual-post all media info in English & French (+$24M)

Liabilities:

  • League fines (-$15M)
  • Annual depreciation on Italian soccer superstars (-$5M)
  • Budget to humanely keep foxes out of their boxes. (-$10M)

Net Value: $96M

Philadelphia Union

Assets:

  • Tourism funds for being the only reason to ever visit Chester, PA (+$80M)
  • Savings on hot dog buns, hamburger buns, sub rolls, toast (+$6M)
  • Print sales of “River End” view photography (+$20M)

Liabilities:

  • Ghost of Peter Novak (-$10M)
  • Zac MacMath (-$5M)
  • Planned construction costs to remove concrete columns inside press box (-$1M)

Net Value: $90M

New England Revolution

Assets:

  • Co-marketing agreement with Guys In Powered Wigs Inc. (+$47M)
  • Excess swag collected from Juan Agudelo (+$42M)
  • Charity writeoff from Brian Bilello free ticket giveaways (+20M)
  • Pity allowance for losing MLS Cup four times (+$8M)

Liabilities:

  • Labor force to paint/unpaint football/soccer lines. (-$5M)
  • Liability insurance for accidental musket blasts. (-$9M)
  • Dunkin Donuts corporate account (-$14M)

Net Value: $89M

Vancouver Whitecaps

Assets:

  • Camilo-related media exposure (+$63M)
  • Funds from being the only MLS stadium in recent editions of FIFA soccer (+$30M)
  • OWFSS bonus reward for bringing Long Tan to MLS (+$15M)

Liabilities:

  • OWFSS fine for trading Long Tan (-$15M)
  • Licensing fee for “UPS Brown” color used in third kits (-$5M)
  • Drapery budget to cover entire upper deck of BC Place (-$2M)

Net Value: $86M

Real Salt Lake

Assets:

  • Royalties from King of Spain (+$75M)
  • Front office with understanding of how to use the Internet (+$30M)
  • Radio airplay rights to “Believe” (+$10M)
  • Extensive database of “choice fishing spots” created by Kyle Beckerman (+$2M)

Liabilities:

  • YSA league fines (-$10M)
  • Restraining order against String Cheese Incident to not play within 100 miles of Kyle Beckerman (-$1M)
  • Drink with Dunny Anti-DWI Awareness Program (-$2M)
  • Hospitality charges relating to trying to keep NYC FC from poaching Kreis (-$19M)

Net Value: $85M

Colorado Rapids

Assets:

  • Future hosting fees from US Soccer for friendlies during winter months (+$26M)
  • “Herbal tourism” ticket vertical (+42.0M)
  • Clint Irwin (+$20M)
  • Synergies from having four animal mascots (+$17M)

Liabilities:

  • Unsold ad inventory due to Marcelo Balboa’s announcing (-$5M)
  • Lost ticket sales due to confusion in league abbreviations between Colorado and Columbus (-$12M)
  • Edson Buddle (-$3M)
  • Mortgage payments on RapidLand, an abandoned 25-acre RapidMan theme/water park (-$9M)

Net Value: $76M

San Jose Earthquakes

Assets:

  • Carbon offsets for powering Northern California with team mascot, Q (+$50M)
  • Medical savings for not electing to fix Wondo’s broken foot (+$2M)
  • Military relics found under new stadium site (+$40M)

Liabilities:

  • FCC fine for indecency caused by #LenhartTwerk (-$9M)
  • Video manipulation costs for “Bash Brothers” MLS Insider piece (-$8M)

Net Value: $75M

Columbus Crew

Assets:

  • Heartland of American Soccer™ branding (+$50M)
  • Dom Oduro sponsorship payment from Papa Johns (+$10M)
  • Espresso-charged Frankie Hejduk (+$31M)

Liabilities:

  • Union labor negotiators to deal with “hardest working demands in MLS”. (-$3M)
  • Scoreboard fireproofing (-$14M)
  • Espresso service for Frankie Hejduk (-$1M)
  • Licensing from Pauly Shore for use of “Yeah Buddy!” goal call. (-$5000)

Net Value: $73M

DC United

Assets:

  • “Tradition” (+$13M)
  • RFK Wildlife Preserve federal funding (+$12M)
  • Trademark rights to the “Kyle Martini” cocktail (+$3M)
  • Large, Scrooge McDuck-esque pool of Indonesian rupiah (+$115M)
  • Funds from the sale (at auction) of vehicles in the VW garage (+$5M)
  • Staff payroll savings from using interns for most front office functions (+$10M)

Liabilities:

  • Own Goal (-$54M)
  • Indonesian tour travel costs (-$2M)
  • Insurance premiums for falling concrete accidents at RFK (-$20M)
  • Writedown of team shop merchandise ruined by raccoon urine (-$11M)

Net Value: $71M

Chivas USA

Assets:

  • Image rights to Paco “Goth Antonio Banderas” Palencia (+$115M)
  • Crossover fan leverage from CD Chivas Guadalajara to Chivas USA (+$50)
  • Full library of complete works of Ray Bradbury (+$2M)
  • Devoted coverage from Alicia Rodriguez (+$5M)

Liabilities:

  • Legal defense fund (-$50M)
  • Bonuses paid to Dan Kennedy for scoring a penalty kick (-$5M)
  • Erick “Cubo” Torres robot celebration training (-$1M)
  • Tarp funds (used to cover up empty seats) (-$2M)

Net Value: $64M

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