Ranking teams on form is passé. The Open Wide For Some Soccer team instead brings you power rankings for the storylines, memes, and narratives that are bouncing around Major League Soccer this week.

1. It’s Not About The Money

Not a Soccer Don. The Soccer Don.

Something something big name teams out, something something small market teams in. Something something Garber’s probably pissed.

2. No Houston/LA Final

No one wants this.

Jason Kreis deserves Coach of the Year honors for this great accomplishment. (Sorry, Petke.)

3. In Sigi We Trust-ed

Maybe the scarf became sentient and is trying to strangle him.

Like “Roy Miller takes a free kick” last year, we predict “Shalrie Joseph as a forward” will be the recurring gag of the 2013 playoffs.

4. LA Is Bad At Set Pieces


The Narrative Power Rankings Kleptocracy is sure Bruce Arena will find some way to blame this on the refs. Or the crowd. Or the wind. Actually, he probably will blame the wind.

5. Bieler In From The Cold


Alternate Headline: Lowered Expectations Finally Met By SKC DP

6. High Profile DPs Go Invisible

Not having a go at anyone, but...

In contrast to Bieler: Henry? Keane? Donovan? Dempsey? Di Vaio? Anyone?

7. Houston Are Playoff Masters

Weird how they haven’t won an MLS Cup since 2007, huh?

8. That’s So Metro

Sad Holgy is sad.

14 trips in to the postseason. 12 trips out in the quarterfinal round. Woof.

9. MLS Playoff Scheduling Sucks

Kreis hasn't really been complaining, but what else are we going to put here - a picture of a calendar?

Twelve playoff games in twelve days. Then two weeks off. Then two games in two days. Then another two weeks off. Then the Cup. THANKS OBAMA.

10. Football Lines Are Literally Hitler

Crimes against humanity.

With Seattle and New England out, we can go back to hand-wringing about more important things - like turf vs. grass, and TV ratings.

  1. whiskeyanddesign reblogged this from owfss and added:
    Can confirm that American Football markings is the Fourth Reich.
  2. mattwstafford reblogged this from owfss and added:
  3. rochepls reblogged this from owfss
  4. inventfootball reblogged this from owfss
  5. owfss posted this